I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
