I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
