I hate your face
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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