Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
