Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
