Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
