I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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