I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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