I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
