dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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