my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
how does that bad decision feel?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
