I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
