I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
