I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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