I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
