you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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