There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
and i looked up. we had an audience...
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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