don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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