Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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