never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
