I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
