Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
