so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
