the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
