Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
