Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There's always time for handjobs
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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