Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
