oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
