My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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