that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
