If i come over, it means nothing
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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