This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
