my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
