Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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