i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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