Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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