I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
