He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
