Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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