my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
