first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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