I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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