Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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