Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
