Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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