Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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