Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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