Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
