I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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