the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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