The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
