i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
