finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
