I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
