Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
