Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
